Security Alert for all automotive travelers
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threat and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bas****s.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.
The Irish threat level is elevated from “Damn those feckin’ Brits, they’re the root of all evil” to uttering the same phrase while hoisting a few pints. Terrorists in the southern part of Ireland are classified as people in the northern part, and vice versa.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing While Wearing New Prada Uniforms.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour While Listening to Wagner” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans, meanwhile and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere…
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of zit-faced teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy consisting of some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Sh**, I hope Australia will come and rescue us.”
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate.” Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend”, and “The Barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.